Sometime I feel like I live my life in ‘what if’ statements. What if I had applied myself more in college? What if I had stayed at SFA? What if I had done the full four years of high school, instead of just three? What If I had dated that guy back then? What if? What if? What if?
My favorite what ifs have to do with decisions I had made in college. I already know for a fact that if I had tried harder and applied myself better, I would not be in the situation that I am in in life. Maybe I should have chosen a different major. English wasn’t always the smartest choice in life, unless I had wanted to be a teacher. Sometimes I think I should have had a really good conversation with my guidance counselor in high school, or my academic advisor in college. Sometimes I feel like they were just telling me what I needed to do to graduate when they should have been telling me what I needed to do to be successful in life, whilst having a fulfilling college career. I definitely would have felt a bit more accomplished if I had done a seminar my senior year instead of graduating by credits like I did, but no one told me that that was an option.
I had always wanted to pledge with a particular sorority, but I had never been socially active in college so it was a long time before I knew what needed to be done to even be considered. I should have volunteered more. I should have been cultivated a better relationships with my professors, but they all scared me somehow. The idea of people scared me. I pulled back so hard in college that I can count on one hand all of the friends that I had made in those 4 and a half years that I am still friends with now. I should have tried harder.
For every major decision in my life, I can pinpoint what I should have done instead to make my life better.
Yet and still, I wouldn’t trade my life’s experiences for the anything. It took me a long time to get here, but I feel like it all worked out for the best. There are things that I hate about my life, but I love the friends I’ve made and the times I’ve had with them. Everything wrong with my life will always be up to me to change, no one else can do it for me. I know that I am meant for great things, but I have to be the one to push myself to get there. Regardless of how long it takes me to get where I’m going, I know that the there is an adventure on the way.
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about time travel scenarios because I had really wanted to redo my life from the time I had started high school. (I had emotional problems). What got me out of that was the thought of what might happen to the life you would leave behind in this time travel? Does it keep going forward without you? Does it stop and destruct into a black hole in the universe? Does even stepping a foot into the past change the outcome of the future?
I realized then that I had enjoyed my life so far, and every new day came with some new bit of knowledge. Yes, I have messed up before, but the past is the past so all I need to do was learn from it to make a new future for myself. Only time will tell if it all works out for me, but I have faith that everything will.