A year later, and you’re still gone, but somehow, it’s getting a little better.
I’ve been waiting for this to work it’s way out all weekend. I had wanted to have it done by yesterday, so that my birthday could be just for me, but that’s never been how this works. It’s shameful really.
They say you never get over the death of a parent, and I legitimately don’t ever expect to. You’re just gone, and some days that’s much more harder to accept than others. We didn’t have the best relationship, but I still expected you to be there, you know?
Last year sucked, terribly. And sometimes I couldn’t tell if your death was just another thing that went bad, or the one thing that made it the absolute worst. I think it was the latter. For everything that happened last year, I think that I could have worked through it all just fine if I had never lost you. I think that losing you just made it seem like too much.
They say that God never gives you more than you can handle, and that used to scare me because I’ve always felt that my life was relatively tame. Even at my most cripplingly depressed, I could count all the things that I’d done for myself, thank God for my healthy family, and keep going. And that scared me, because I thought I’d just never be able to handle it if something really happened.
And then several things happened, and I was hurt, but relatively fine. And then you died, and suddenly I just-
It’s been a year, and you’re still gone. There’s so many unfinished conversations, so many things that I can’t clear the air with you about. You’ll never see me married, and I’ll never bring you grandchildren to sit on your knee. That’s still so very unfair.
You’ll never know how great I might turn out to be.
All I can do is go forward. The world doesn’t end because one man dies, even though for a while I felt like I was just existing at best. I write a lot more, I talk a bit more, and try to let the people closest to me know how much I cherish them. I have not given up on myself, because I know it’s not over.
I know that you would have told me the same.